10:10- I make decision to watch. Makes joke about having a hologram on his couch to get out of a lie. Not a good start.
10:18- makes joke about new candy bar called “Clusterfucks.” Good idea, but loses it by beating me in the face with how potentially funny it could have been.
10:23- insinuates atheists should be turned into bibles. First actual punch line he’s told so far. Still not interesting due to fallacious argument that the atheist would care about having a bible printed on him. I could write an essay about the problems the logic of this joke had.
10:25- Poor pantomiming leads to keyboard too close to nose joke. Shut up.
10:30- unfunny description of father’s package. Relies on blue comedy too much to get laughs.
10:32- "Someday, this will all be yours.” OMG HE WENT IN THE AUDIENCE. I leave to get food.
10:47- makes ironic joke of yelling unnecessarily. “Fuckin’ noodles.” same shit I’ve seen on shitty sitcoms. Followed by shot of hot girl in the audience faking laughter.
10:48- Commercial. I look up YouTube clips of Daniel Tosh to cleanse pallet
10:52- panders to girls in audience with cute old person anecdote. I foresee an old person sex joke.
10:53- old person cheating joke. I was close. “I was literally cheated on. They were on me.” George Carlin wants his “Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane, not on the plane” joke back. AM I RITE?!?!
10:55- once again makes note of poor pantomiming, only this time he’s driving. Commercial for that new Turok game grabs my attention.
11:00- “why do I have so many fucking keys?” He’s taking way to long to illustrate sneaking into his house. What’s the point if you were just going to jump in the shower? [ed. Note- I originally wrote “sucking” instead of “sneaking.” Freudian slip indeed.]
11:03- starts with lying bit, similar to first lying jokes.
11:05- I smile at “with who’s dick are you washing your car?”
11:06- whoops, that was a burp, not a smile. Good Baconator, more Daniel Tosh.
11:11- gets applause for “cinematic adventures.” Dane makes a predictable black joke. I make a wish.
11:12- girl with huge boobs laughs at mention of “Bennigan’s.”
11:13- Sticky floor. I predict cum joke. I’m right. Reward myself with a good itch.
11:15- I notice his impersonation of his girlfriend sounds disturbingly juvenile. Brings up pedophilia suspicions. Suspicions turn into inappropriate fantasies. Dane’s poorly timed dildo joke thankfully clears any thought that was in my head.
11:17- “No I don’t want a box, I want to walk back and forth like a train.” Excessive sarcasm. Makes me miss Hedburg’s “no thanks man, I juggle” joke.
11:20- Come to realization I’m a pathetic lump of a man for staying in and insulting a successful comic on my Saturday night. I’m really no better than him, aren’t I? I mean, at least he's making people happy. Am I just a jealous man leading a pathetically cynical existence? I need to get my life together.
11:21- He’s still fucking talking about the movie theater? I now feel better about myself.
11:23- “It’s like they went to professional shush school!” I’m impressed by his large amount of back sweat.
11:24- Pablo Francisco does a better movie trailer imitation. I laugh at his criticism of upcoming movies, but only because he sounds like me watching trailers for his- I think you see where I’m heading with this.
11:27- as he walks off stage, I notice every member of his audience looks exactly the same. Leads me to believe SuFi is actually the name of a cult. Hey, good South Park on.
