Unhelpful Reviews for Movies You've Already Seen

It's been a while since we got a chance to go to the theater here at Tiger Got..., so feel free to read reviews for movies you've already seen by somebody without the necessary credibility.

George of the Jungle

Greatest kids' movie ever. If your child doesn't like this, wake them up tomorrow morning with a hearty "IT'S ADOPTION TIME!" Nobody wants to let people know they're raising humorless twats.

Rating:
3 Shirtless Goldblums (out of 4)

The Royal Tanenbaums

More pretentious than Christopher Hitchins eating Beluga Caviar and reading a book he wrote about Foucault after watching a Wes Anderson movie and listening to the first Mars Volta album. Seriously, the first one was the best. You don't know that because you didn't start listening to them until after they totally sold out.

Rating:
2 Ironic Goldblums (out of 4)

Death Proof (more like "critics have bad taste"-proof)

Denial: Hey, it's a Quentin Tarantino movie. It'll get good eventually.

Anger: Why won't these catty bitches shut the fuck up?!

Bargaining: It's OK. I'm sure this second group of cunts will die just as bloody as the first batch. Please, please let the Australian girl get decapitated.

Depression: What's with all this character development? I don't care. How did Tarantino manage to make a car chase boring? I should have left after Planet Terror ended.

Acceptance:



Rating:
1 Unsatisfied Goldblum (out of 4)