Groundhog Day- So wait, if he sees his shadow we have more winter? But if he sees his shadow, that means it's sunny out, right? And if it's sunny out, wouldn't winter be almost ov- ah fuck it.
Valentine's Day- Thanks* for the shitty heart candy and flowers I'm allergic to.
Presidents' Day- How exactly do you celebrate Presidents' day? "by doing nothing all weekend lol." No**, what's the standard way of doing it? Labor Day, you take the day off work. Veterans Day, you thank a veteran. Martin Luther King Day, you buy lunch for your black friends. How do you formally celebrate a day devoted to Washington and Lincoln?
Leap Day- The day we get treated to news stories of twenty year olds celebrating their fifth birthday. Who says the news business has lost its credibility?
*, mom
**, douchebag
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