Heath Ledger dies and Dane Cook is allowed to keep living.

"Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I'm sure you've thought about me naked"
-10 Things I Hate About You

An Apology From the Management of "Tiger Got..." To Dane Cook

We would like to issue an apology to Dane Cook and all associated parties for rude comments left on his Myspace page the night of January 13th. Tiger Got... apologizes for sarcastically pointing out the fact that Dane is not, in fact, 100 years old as stated in his profile. We apologize for making fun of a video of him with an acoustic guitar, referring to him as a "typical Bostonian Jack Johnson wannabe dumbass."

We also apologize for presenting a picture of him in a Yankees' hat, despite doing commercials promoting before said Boston for the World Series back in "Actober." We also apologize for pointing out a picture of him with actress Jessica Alba in which he bears a striking resemblance to "The Terminator," except referring to his special abilities as "instead of traveling time, [he has] rendered me unable to become sexually aroused by Jessica Alba anymore."

Our management would also like to apologize for referring to the trademarked "SuFi" as "the shocker for gay dudes," accompanied with a graphic explanation of how the signature hand gesture leaves one capable only of violent sodomy instead of the traditional "shocker".

In short, please ignore any and all references to you as a "frat boy who's stupid ass couldn't make it in college" or fictional prayers of "Mitch Hedberg's reanimated corpse disemboweling you via episiotomy."

Signed,
Tiger Got Out of the Cage

Dear Chex Mix,

Enough with the fucking pretzels. Nothing ruins a solid party mix like pretzels. Much less stale, half-assed attempts at pretzels. Chex? Awesome. Rice balls? Fantastic. Bagel Chips? Well done. Pretzels? Fuck off. No matter what flavor you make your mix, your definition seems to include cheap salty abominations of snack food. Tropical party mix? Shouldn't be salty. Cheesy party mix? Not Salty. Chocolate-fucking-peanut-butter? NOT. FUCKING. SALTY.

Signed,
Hue Grand

Dear Gay Men,

Can you just masturbate to the mirror? You could save a lot of money on pornography if you just masturbated to a mirror.

Signed,
Hue Grand

Unhelpful Reviews for Movies You've Already Seen

It's been a while since we got a chance to go to the theater here at Tiger Got..., so feel free to read reviews for movies you've already seen by somebody without the necessary credibility.

Jurassic Park
The movie failed to clearly touch on the God complexes the book had, making it slightly pale in comparison. However, the book killed the greatest character in movie history: Ian Malcolm. Where the movie failed to deliver the strong messages of the novel, it succeeded in being fucking awesome. Also, robots will always be better than computer graphics. Fuck you, George Lucus.

Rating:
4 Sexy Goldblums (out of 4)

Juno
I wish the pregnant girls I went to high school with were as funny as Ellen Page. I saw the movie because I've made a point to see everything Michael Cera is in. However, his 30 seconds on screen negligible. If I ever meet a 16 year old as awesome as Ellen, I'll be sure to impregnate her. Only hilarity can ensue

Rating:
4 Smiling Golblums (out of 4)

Producers of "To Catch a Predator" Order a Pizza. Hilarity Ensues.

The pizza man arrives out front and rings the doorbell.

Hot 13 year-old decoy: (out of sight) Hey! Come around back.

Pizza guy: Can't you just come up here a-

Decoy: -Hold on! Let me get my bathing suit on! I'll be right there!

PG: I'm letting myself in!

Decoy: Hey! (enters room) Did you bring the pizza?

PG: That's why...yea. $11.75

Decoy: MMM I love pizza! Did you bring the condoms?

PG: I...what? I mean, I think I have one in my wallet that expired a decade ago. Did you say you had a coupon or some-

Decoy: -My parents just bought me a Playstation. Do you-

PG: -Listen: It's late, I'm stoned, and I don't give a shit. I'm leaving.

Chris Hanson: (enters) Well why don't you hang around for a bit. Have a seat right over there.

PG: You're paying for this?

Chris: Why don't you tell me exactly what you're here for.

PG: I was bringing the pizza when-

Chris: -So you were bringing this young girl pizza.

PG: Right, I guess.

Chris: Do you have any condoms with you?

PG: Fuckin'-, I don't even need a tip.

Chris: Well you're free to leave, but there's something I should tell you: I'm Chris Hans-

PG: Fuck off, Chris.

(Chris leaves, Pizza Guy sits alone)

PG: So, nobody's going to suck my dick?

John Mayer Walks in on his drummer Masturbating

Scene 1: *John, fresh from breakfast, enters his tour bus talking to his mother on the phone.*

JM: So I tell Romo, "Whatever, you can have her. Hope you enjoy sloppy seconds, tell me if you can still smell my balls on her."

Drummer: Wait wait wait!

JM: Oh I uh...just... sorry. (turns away) No seriously I totally said it.

Scene 2: *John and his drummer sit awkwardly across the table from each other at lunch with the rest of the band.*

JM: I didn't get a spoon.

Drummer: What? oh I... oh. Here I'm not us-

JM: No hey don't...don't...I got i-

Drummer: OK

JM: OK

(10 seconds of silence)

JM: Is there a reason you feel the need to get completely naked when you do it?