Patriots, Roosters, and "Those People."

So Tom Brady is now officially just too pretty to lose. To watch the historic moment, Mac and I traveled to Broad St., on the side I-270 I vowed never to go. We drove around aimlessly trying to guess where we could watch UFC 79 for free, but settled for hot wings and white trash.

Once our waitress took our drink order, I couldn't help but notice this 5 foot tall, 100 pound girl had a cartoonishly large ass. My thoughts were reaffirmed when Mac turned to tell me "Our waitress's ass doesn't match her body type at all." She proceeded to use her ass to bump into tables, earn tips, and say hello to her coworkers. Life gave her lemons.

So I couldn't give a huge shit about the Patriots one way or another. The Bengals aren't playoff bound so in my world the season ended a few weeks ago. However, people living in central Ohio that cheer for the Patriots are still worthy of disdain. I understand why you would root against them. It's understandable to hate Boston. I mean, Bostonians live there. But I'll be fucked in half if anybody can explain why somebody born and raised in central Ohio, who came to a bar decked in Ohio State gear, is not only cheering for the Patriots, but cheering loudly for them.

My hypothesis: she has nothing else going for her. Here we are in the middle of Bumfuck, Ohio (known to some as "Buckeye country"). This overweight woman has lesions on her face, indicative of years of meth usage. Her life has been one long search for validation which she has yet to receive. Her only option is to live vicariously through a team that's about to make history. Congratulations! It's almost as if you did something important, isn't it.

After the cheering when the Patriots took the lead, I proceeded to yell "I didn't know this place was on the Oregon Trail! There sure are a lot of Bandwagoners here!" See? I can be funny.